Parent/Teen Relationships

Hey Friends!

Oh my! It's been a while. For the last 6 weeks, I've devoted nearly all my time to my Fall Sacred Circle. It's been incredible! This group is quite magical, and the power of this group is something to be reckoned with. I'm humbled, in awe, and deeply grateful to hold this space and witness what these women discover in our journey together. The connections made within themselves and through meaningful conversations are nothing but remarkable. These ladies needed to find each other.

Now I'm returning to my other love, this podcast. Let's walk down memory lane. In episode 27, I talked about how to soulfully connect with teens as a parent. In that episode, I realized there's much more to say about this topic. So I decided to make this topic a 3-part mini-series.

Then in episode 28, I continued with this theme. I shared practices my teen daughters offered when I asked how they connect within when navigating their own heavy feelings. They had loads to offer and invite you to give it a listen if you haven't already.

And now that brings you to this episode where I'll unravel why it's tricky, as a parent, to soulfully connect with your teen. So I'll talk about these three things.

1. The birth family's role when connecting with your teen. 
2. How karmic patterns muddle the attempts to relate with your teen.
3. And then bring this together to appreciate the complexities of the relationship between you and your teen.

Admittedly, this one is heady. I'll try to make this relatable through stories and metaphors so you can apply what resonates with you. While I focus on describing the parent/child dynamics, you being the parent - you may also relate to this as being a child of your parents' parenting. 

Either way, stick with me as we look at teens, their vulnerability, and how that plays into how you tenderly connect with them. 

Let's dive in!

First Things First

In a healthy parent/child relationship, you, as a parent, want the best for your child - right? So that want or desire gets in the way of having a clean, energetic intention for your child - simply by being their parent. Said differently, you're energetically entangled with your child. This makes you attached to the outcome of wanting to soulfully connect with your teen.

That said, let's assume from this point forward that your undeniable attachment holds the best intention of your teen. This assumption neutralizes this part of the equation. And now, we can focus on birth families, karmic patterns, and their role in your parent/teen relationship. 

And as Grandmother Flordemayo says, "When we are born, we are born with a mission. We are given different tests in our lives so we can be familiar with all of the different realms of our journey." And the birth family you're born into initiates some of those tests in your life.

Basics of Birth Families

Let's start by describing birth families. In this episode, the birth family is defined as a child's biological parents and siblings. Of course, much of what I cover also applies to adoptive families. But to simplify, I'll use birth family interchangeably with biological parents and siblings.

Birth families are the framework that holds the power of the parent-child relationships. And therein lies why it's tricky, as a parent, to connect with your teen. You, your teen, and other members of their birth family are often not as conscious as they could be and unaware of their effects on others. 

Let me paint a picture to make this visual. Let's say there's an alcoholic family with three children. The first child takes control by keeping everything in order and is super responsible. They may even take on parental responsibilities that their parents cannot provide. And as a grownup, they tend to have relationships where they have control, call the shots and are in a place of power. This person is most comfortable with or attracted to people who allow them to organize them and take control of them. This person desires power to control everything so chaos won't happen.

The second child is hard-edged and unyielding. They amuse themselves and carry on relentlessly. And as a grownup, their relationships are harsh. They pretend everything is fine, and nothing touches them. They go numb to their childhood experience to stay numb as an adult.  

And the third child, in this example, energetically vacates and appears agreeable and charming. As a grownup, they tend to hide behind composure and poise, but internally they're a mess. They are most comfortable with or attracted to kind people who take pity on them. They view mean people as ones that create chaos. And they're willing to give up so much of themselves to calm the chaos. As a result, they tend to be dependent on others.

In this picture, you can see how each child's vulnerabilities get lost or are hidden in their relationships as grown adults. These are also called "masks" or personas you wear, as described by Susan Thesenga, and "shadows" of the self, coined by Carl Jung. 

So I'll mirror this back to you. How you respond to your teen reflects how you've been vulnerable in your lifetime. And the same for your teen. How your teen responds to being vulnerable and exposing their wounds reflects how they've been vulnerable or powerless over their life.

Karmic Patterns

Let's pivot and look at karmic patterns - as I understand them - to grasp their significance and how they dovetail with the birth family. Karmic patterns are likely different from how you think of karma. I'm not talking about punishment and reward like "what comes around, goes around" or "you'll get what's coming to you." What I'm talking about requires some space for you to be with.

So take a breath, and let's unravel this one. OK. We can agree that actions have consequences but not direct reactions (as some refer to karma). So when you have a particular way of thinking or acting, it will have consequences. And you do not always know what the consequence will be. But your way of thinking or acting gets sent in another direction based on that consequence. This can become a pattern or programmed behavior. A karmic pattern.

Here's an example. Let's say you have high standards for your family's values. And you tend to think of the "right things" to protect your family's values. So you do whatever is necessary to prevent anyone from questioning your values. This particular way of thinking and acting has a consequence, and let's say it's a sense of pride. That seems reasonable, right? Well, what also happens is your sense of pride is sent in another direction. That direction may be hopelessness and skepticism. And this new direction becomes a karmic pattern of your behavior. You may notice this despair and doubt in other areas of your life. Perhaps you mourn over the dynamics in your family growing up. And maybe you're unsure of your role as a parent to your teen or mortified if your teen does something "wrong" or outside your definition of family values. Perhaps you question your ability to trust your teen. Karmic patterns are disempowering, self-sabotaging, and harmful.

You can think of a karmic pattern as an energetic pattern behind the behaviors of your soul or spirit. It drives your motivations and intentions as well as informs the decisions and actions you take. These patterns follow you from lifetime to lifetime and tend to be hurtful.

But good news! There's an antidote for you to remedy karmic patterns. When you become more conscious, you become more aware of how your thoughts inform your actions. And with the awareness, you see how your thoughts and actions have consequences. And with this conscious awareness, you can change decisions and outcomes, which dissolves karmic patterns. And speaking of dissolving karmic patterns, past life regressions and soul retrievals also help dissolve karmic patterns. 

1. So now that you have a grasp on karmic patterns as they relate to you, the parent - let's look at your teen. Their karmic patterns are shown to you in how they react to you and/or other members of their birth family. 

Stitch Together

Let's reel this discussion in and stitch together how birth families and karmic patterns appear in real life. I'll weave insights from the previous two episodes for a complete linear picture of how to connect with a teen soulfully.

First 7 Years

The programming is created for the first seven years of your teen's life that they'll live with for the rest of their life. Or until they become consciously awake and dissolve their karmic patterns. More explicitly, by four years old, karmic patterns are set. And by seven years old, the programming is firm. And by twelve years old, the karmic patterns start to reveal themselves.

These patterns and programs (good and bad) are downloaded by your child by observing your interactions with your spouse, friends, family, and child (now teen). These patterns and programs are how your teen cycles energy through their systems. So if the karmic patterns are dense, your teen has less access to their life energy. Crazy, right?

Early Teen Years

Now we'll move from the first 7 years of your child's life to the early teen years. Again, by twelve years old, the karmic patterns begin to reveal themselves. And most of their defensive structures are in place as they enter their early teen years - usually when they hit puberty. These structures appear when karmic patterns trigger your teen's unconscious. Or, more simply stated, these thoughts operate from those patterns your child (now teen) received during the first seven years of thier life.

Your teen's first intimate relationships often show the defensive structures of their birth family. Defensive structures are like magnets. They magnetize similar defensive structures. Let me give you a relatable example. Let's say your teen becomes defensive when you ask them to help with chores after they checked out and escaped to their room longer than you like. Their defense structure is to run and hide from feeling overwhelmed by the demands and slipperiness of school, peers, social media, hormones, adolescence, relationships, and everything in between! And underneath their automatic response, they want you to care for them and be with them. 

In turn, you unconsciously become equally defensive since you're tired of doing your lion's share of the work around the house and want relief. You feel annoyed by your teen's elusiveness and unwillingness to help. Your defense structure may be to demand your teen's help and insist on their presence. And underneath your impulsive response, you want to be with your teen. You want to connect with your teen and have meaningful conversations. In this example, you see that you and your teen's defensive structures magnetize each other. And this same pull attracts similar defenses in your teen's first intimate relationships. 

And remember, when your teen feels lost, stuck, or overwhelmed - introduce them to practices that neutralize a charged situation and help them return to their body and inner knowing. Then, when they do, they can find light when things feel dark. In my last episode, my teens shared a potpourri of practices they rely on. I'll list them now and invite you to give that episode a listen, where I expand on each of these. They depend on spirit and physical animals, breathing exercises, altars, grounding meditation, pendulum, and oracle cards.

Teen and Young Adult Years

The combination of your teen's birth family, karmic patterns, and defensive structures often results in hurtful words exchanged. When this happens, invite them or ask them if their words are coming from their wounded soul or their light soul (or whatever words you choose). This simple question neutralizes the charge and allows them to pause and reflect. It's also a way for you to remove yourself from the charged discussion to see if you're speaking from your wounded or light soul.

And remember, your natural default is your subconscious, thinking mind. It's your mindset when you're not present and doing - instead of being. And you may not know this because your conscious mind never steps in to help you get out of that pattern to see what's really happening.

Speaking of your conscious mind, let's tie this together with your desire to connect with your teenager to have soulful conversations. Here are three approaches I previously offered and illuminate now.

1. Try something new and different to access relief from whatever heaviness you and you're teen are experiencing.
2. Experience sacred ceremonies together, which encourages soulful conversations and soulful connections.
3. Consider a meditation, like a Shamanic Journey, where your teen is at the helm connecting with guidance and accessing their deeper self.

Full Circle

To come full circle, relationships - especially parent/teen relationships - bring forward karmic patterns, defense structures, and issues that are out of balance. And this imbalance affects the dynamics and relationships in the birth family - making it tricky to connect with your teen soulfully. 

And, remember, there's a simple way to remedy this. When you parent consciously, you are aware of your thoughts and actions. You know these thoughts and actions have consequences that affect your teen. This allows you to navigate conflict with ease and grace. You change decisions and outcomes. You step out of the entangled energy with your teen and identify what they need to be seen, heard, and held with compassion. This simple action begins to dissolve the karmic patterns for you and your teen.

And if you're wondering how to parent consciously - meditate! Mediation lets you see what's in your mind and can help you detach. You can get above, below, and around an issue or inquiry to have a complete picture of what's consuming you. And with that insight, you can engage with your teen (or in any relationship!) with consciousness.

Main Takeaways

Here are the main takeaways from today's show. 

• Birth families are the framework that holds the power of the parent-child relationships. You, your teen, and other members of their birth family are often not as conscious as they could be and unaware of their effects on others. Therefore, you and your teen hide behind and cover up wounds from the past. 
• Karmic patterns are another layer in the relationship between you and your teen. They're energetic patterns behind the behaviors of your soul or spirit. They drive your motivations and intentions and inform your decisions and actions. An antidote to remedy karmic patterns is to become more conscious. 
• For the first seven years of your teen's life, they create the programming they will live with for the rest of their life. Your child can download these patterns and programs by observing your interactions. These programs are how your teen cycles energy through their systems. So if the karmic patterns are dense, your teen has less access to their life energy.
• As your teen enters the early teen years, more depth is shown in your relationship with them. Their karmic patterns reveal themselves, and most defensive structures are in place. These structures appear when karmic patterns trigger your teen's unconscious, automatic responses.
• And as your teen enters young adulthood, the combination of their birth family, karmic patterns, and defensive structures often result in hurtful word exchanges. When this happens, invite them or ask if their words are coming from their wounded being or their light being to help neutralize the charge and allow them (and you!) to pause and reflect.

That's it for now.

See you in next week's episode. 

I honor the divine in you.