Peaceful Conflict

Hey Friends!

Have you noticed most conflict arises when you feel someone isn't listening to you and you're feeling heard? And have you noticed the path to the heart of the issue is the same path out of the issue? In other words, when you unwind what is wound up – you can resolve differences through peaceful and healthy conversation.

In this episode, I'll describe – through personal experiences – how conflict resolution looks when you bridge your outer world and your inner world. My hope and intention are that by making this tangible and a bit personal, I'm making it more relatable for you.

Let's dive in.

Conflict Travels

Our family has been traveling this summer. And I find this creates rich, fertile soil for some good arguments. Ha! If it's not the spicy debate between my husband and I trying to make sense of Waze as we navigate through a congested city – it's definitely our daughters quibbling over how much battery is left on their iPad or one is encroaching on the other's space. We've even experienced arguments when one daughter is looking at the other. Then layer in new languages, new places, new roads, new foods, and new currency, and we have a ripe setting for family conflict.

I was talking about this with my husband this morning, describing it like the Amazing Race reality show. And for those unfamiliar with this series, it's an adventure race with teams trying to unravel clues to find the next "Pit Stop" before navigating a new country to reach the finish line first. Of course, we're not racing any other team and certainly not in any rush. But we are experiencing the usual challenges within a team or family dynamic plus the friction of unraveling clues to reach our next destination.

And so you can imagine, navigating conflict has been a constant for me (and my stoic husband) over the last couple of weeks. Of course, I wanted to blame this continuous friction on the super moon and its big energy from a few weeks ago or the bold, fiery Leo season we've entered. And, yes, these conditions certainly play a part. Yet, the more significant ingredients in this mix are that we're with each other 24/7 and out of our comfort zone, facing new challenges daily. 

So while we make forever memories traveling abroad – it also blesses us with endless opportunities to unravel what has wound us up.

Bridging Conflict

When conflict arises, and we get to the crux of the rub – it always comes down to feeling heard and listening to others. And over these weeks, as I reflected on conflicts that surfaced, I re-remembered that the pathway to reconciliation is to express my differences through open, honest, and healthy conversation. And when I do this, I re-connect with people – especially those I care for and love. And through those connections, I build trust and create a pathway for more open conversations. 

So. While navigating conflict is super important when raising teenagers, it's much easier said than done. Shoot, it's sometimes really hard to do this with your spouse or partner when you're talking with a more stable, less hormonal being. LOL.

And I know, oh too well, that when I don't make time and space to reconcile differences, it manifests. It manifests into icky, heavy, negative energy. I've experienced this in my business consulting practice, spiritual client practice, and especially in my family dynamics growing up and raising teen daughters.

So when I'm posed with conflicts over our travels, I embarrassingly and often fall flat in my efforts to neutralize and navigate conflict. Yet, I've used these instances as invites to reflect inward. It's then that I bridge my inner world and outer world.

You might think it's in my nature to resolve conflict – peacefully. But unfortunately, when it comes to my family, that's not always the case. So through this bridge between my inner world and outer world, a few approaches re-surfaced that helped me. Perhaps they'll help you when conflict arises for you in a professional, social, or even personal setting.

So…I offer you these.

• Greet A Disconnect with Compassion
• Find Peace through Conflict
• Reflect on the Past to Move Forward

Greet a Disconnect with Compassion

When you greet a disconnect with compassion, it's helpful to acknowledge that each person uniquely presents themselves and communicates in a way that reflects their character. So your daughter, son, spouse, parent, friend, colleague, and even your boss have their unique social cues that mirror when they feel heard and understood – and when they do not.

At home, you probably have a spidey sense of recognizing a family member's signals and, ideally, acknowledge a disconnect before it explodes or they implode.

At work, it's probably not natural to recognize each person's signals and realize a disconnect between you and a colleague. So that's when it's essential to have compassion and meet your work mate where they are. When you hold compassion, you naturally have a genuine curiosity. You're listening and open to receiving. No filtering. No judgment. Just receiving. This seems easy and sometimes like second nature for me in the work setting.

But, oddly, not so much for me when I'm with my family. Maybe you can relate? I find I innately default to reacting to an issue by making a decision for someone, taking something away, or demanding someone take time away. I pretty much dismiss everyone and leave them feeling deflated. I find it difficult – in the heat of the moment - to have compassion and meet them where they are with genuine curiosity and an open heart. Yet, these beings are my heart.

So, I really unpacked this one. And what it comes down to is that when I hold compassion and replay the chain of events, I have the capacity to hear what my daughter or husband had to say – verbally and non-verbally. I access a source of patience I'm always in awe of. And then, then, it's like I have a holistic view of the incident. I see each person as a character and the role they're playing. I see the emotions collide. I see or sense the backstory of those emotions. So, I now have a more complete sense of what happened – including my own reaction, my own feelings, and my own backstory. And then, I can respond and repair the situation with my loved one.

To make this real, I'll share a trend I noticed over the last several weeks. When I surrender to compassion in the heat of the moment, I notice when my daughter cannot look me in the eye. I see it's an expression of her hurt and not a form of disrespect. And in that exact moment, I also connect with her as a magical being. I see she's trying to find her way while bumping into all things related to adolescence. And when I meet her with compassion, we see each other human to human. Eye to eye. And heart to heart.

So as a practitioner of the Coming to Peace Conflict Resolution – I see that I'm struggling to meet disconnects in our family with compassion. Yet, when I do, I find it's much easier to rely on mutual respect, honesty, and love to listen and connect with my loved ones, so they feel heard and seen.

Find Peace through Conflict

Let's talk about finding peace through conflict. So. Conflict is a time where listening is essential for others to feel heard and understood. It's also a pathway for you to reconcile and learn from others' views, beliefs, and ideals. Isa Gucciardi, the author of Coming to Peace, says, "Peace can only come when we recognize our connection to others and see the value of their experience as equal to our own."

I love this statement. It's so simple, powerful, and relevant to any conflict we have. And to get to this place of equanimity, you want people entangled in the conflict to be fully present and wholly listening. And here's the thing. While this may feel like unicorns and rainbows, it's easier than you think. I've found that when I read the person and the room to confirm the intensity has lessened, I'll ask, are you able to be here now so we can openly talk about this? That's it. Yes, sometimes, when I say this – my tone starts with a sting and ends with my own calming to be here now.

And when we're in this peaceful state – or close to it – we can listen. We can listen to others be vulnerable, say what they need, and share what's broken within them or in the situation. And, again, when you hold compassion, it's much easier to really listen.

And it's in this moment that you learn from others' views, beliefs, and ideals – including your teen daughter. It sometimes takes time and space to reach this place – especially in family dynamics. Your loved one may need a few minutes to connect with what's really below the emotion or conflict. And you may need a few minutes to fully embody compassion, so there's no room for judgment or problem-solving. There's only room to recognize and see their experience as equally important to your own.

And here's the thing. When you arrive and operate from this neutral, peaceful place – you bring others into that similar state. Then each of you can access your inner wisdom to bridge differences and move forward in peace with grace. You find a resolution. You find balance. You find neutrality. And while I've personally experienced this to be far easier in a professional or social setting – than within my family –the same powerful results are absolutely achievable in all settings.

Reflect on the Past to Move Forward

After finding a resolution, I like to take a few more moments to reflect on what I unearthed from the conflict so that I can apply those insights in the way I move forward. This isn't like a deep meditation in a zen garden. It looks like me mindlessly washing dishes or folding laundry while I reflect on these insights.

Here's what this really looks like for me – again, I share this in hopes of making it tangible and relatable for you. When I'm at odds with someone, my trigger is to critique, judge, or dismiss them. This trigger taught me how I use it as a form of protection. So when I feel exposed or attacked, I shield myself by attacking back with fault-finding and judgment. And when my shield is up, I'm unable to listen. Once I take off my armor and hold compassion, I learn about one's intention and motivation to see the meaning and hear the feeling behind the conflict. This neutralizes the friction so we can find balance and resolution.

And with my family, more often than not, they simply want to be seen, heard, valued, appreciated, and loved. And so do I. This awareness helps me so that when I'm faced with conflict again - I can recognize my reactionary and dismissive default patterns. Then I can pivot quicker. I can show up authentically, ask wholehearted questions, and listen fully.

This type of listening provides a pathway to connect with people and build trust by having heartfelt communications. And when you are stuck in conflict, remember you have two ears and one mouth to listen twice as much as you talk.

Full Circle

And to come full circle, hopefully, now you can appreciate that conflict arises when you feel someone isn't listening to you and you're not being heard. And the path to the heart of the issue is the same path out of the issue. So when you bridge the conflict in your outer world with your inner world and inner wisdom, you can hold compassion, find peace and equanimity, and then move forward with grace.

Let's pause a moment. Think of how powerful these tactics are. Now imagine applying them on a community or global level, and wow, what a beautiful gift to humanity. But for now, I hope you find my re-remembering of these approaches as something you can use to neutralize and resolve conflict in your life.

Main Takeaways

The main takeaways from today's episode include…

1. The imbalance at the heart of a conflict is someone not feeling fully heard.
2. When you greet conflict with compassion, you increase your capacity to listen to what's said.
3. Peace comes when you connect to others and value their experience as equal to your own.
4. This type of listening is a pathway to connecting with people, building trust, and having open conversations.

That's it for now.

See you in next week's episode.

I honor the divine in you.